The intense and overwhelming feelings of being worthless, a burden to those around me, are crippling. Why should anyone be forced to deal with me? I just ruin everything. Everyone would be better off without me around. My mind was causing these self-inflictions, an endless cycle of torment, ensuring I felt well and truly like an utter waste of space. Little did I know that I was about to enter one of the darkest periods of my life.
I do feel that my college experience was especially tumultuous, but maybe I am just being self-centered with that mindset. However, the past few days and weeks I have found myself reflecting on the past four years, and to that I felt that the best way to process each individual year would be to write about it.
My flight ended up delayed for a few hours, which involved sitting on a packed plane for an extra couple of hours. Looking back, I probably should have embraced the added hours, as I think many of us would do anything for them nowadays. I was sitting beside a lovely couple, though, so we had the chats to pass the time. Another random aspect I love of airports is talking with strangers. There is a curious intimacy you can share amongst people when confined inside a narrow metal tube.
The darkness was back. Honestly, it is a blur. I couldn’t see or think clearly. My world had begun to crumble around me; all the protections are barricades I built up were now gone, replaced by a deep, deep emptiness that trapped me in its false sense of security.
Self-love is a pretty big talking point these days. Often wrapped tightly around that of ‘self-care’, while they are closely integrated with each other, they are both still quite individual concepts. While self-care involves the curiosity of exploring our emotions, both positive or negative, and exploring them in a way that gives us the space to be gentle while also retaining the power to grow through the learning opportunities. Meanwhile, in my opinion, self-love is more so about our relationship with ourselves. It’s knowing our wants and needs and learning how or when to fulfil them. Doing things for us and realising that it is okay to put ourselves first. It’s a knowledge of our own self-worth.
This week has had such lovely weather. It really does feel like summer is coming, especially since the clocks went forward just last week. Although there has been a bitter chill in the air, the sun makes up for it entirely – so long as a multitude of layers are worn. I feel as though this week has been ever so slightly chaotic, but in the best way! So much has been happening that it’s hard to believe one week has gone by already. Granted, I am finishing this post up on Easter Monday. I decided to take a break for the bank holiday weekend. So, without further ado, here is a mini life update on this sunny week gone by.
Back in August we had plans to go to Galway, but with the LOKdown, that proved impossible. And so, began the long distance that so many of us are used to once again. In order to help us through this next lockdown we began to plan a trip we could runaway to as soon as it was lifted. Now, in all honesty it took a very long time for us to settle on a location or hotel. As we had gone to Bray just a couple months prior we were reluctant to go straight back to Wicklow. But, I’m glad we did.
I had seen that trend on TikTok of owners ‘painting’ with their dogs. I decided today was the day. Playing some good music, I grabbed a square canvas, some of my pastel paints, a ziploc bag and peanut butter and got to work.
Looking after my mind with a gentle curiosity. That’s what self-care is to me. A fundamental part of life that I have always strived towards, yet only recently have managed to truly make time for. The concept of self-care, taking the time to look after ourselves in both body and mind, it’s a tougher challenge than it appears on paper. It has taken years for me to ever manage to get and stay on this path.
Waking up to find my body being used for somebody else’s pleasure should not be an experience so many of us share. The fear of the look in some mens eyes, a look of hunger, lust, too many of us know exactly what I am describing. It’s terrifying.
I am bored of not travelling. Ireland is a beautiful country. But being confined to a five-kilometre radius is exhausting. The most exotic part of my weeks is the new queuing system Tesco has set up for their self-service checkouts. But, I am also bored of being bored. I have decided to stop focusing on what I can not do and instead on what I can. So without further ado, I introduce a new feature where I share my nostalgia for past travels and dreams for my future ones.