It’s been two weeks since my last post. I wish I could say otherwise but it is what it is, I guess. I’ve not been in a great place recently, so I was afraid to write, I couldn’t think or focus, so I left it. But now I want to come back.
In all honesty, I don’t know where to begin, or even what to write. I opened this back up just because I felt I had to write. Something. Anything. I just feel like I need to put my head onto physical words on a page.
Well, to begin, mental health is something I have struggled with for many years now, though I have only been officially diagnosed over a year and a half ago. For maybe a year leading up to that, a friend of mine continuously attempted to try to make me get help, but I refused. I was ashamed. I knew there was a problem but, in my eyes, if I were to be formally told, I would let my parents down. I was afraid of people looking at me differently or thinking I was weak.
It eventually just got too much for me to handle alone shortly after my father’s death. The Leaving Cert results were coming out soon, college was on everyone’s horizons and all anyone seemed to talk about what the Debs. I would pretend, as best I could, like everything was okay. But it wasn’t. I had endless breakdowns and panic attacks. I couldn’t cope with any sort of basic stress. It honestly felt like I was drowning, while watching everyone around me breathe.
At first my doctor put me on prozac. He said I should be on them for around six months. Though, skip forward nearly 18 months and I was still on them, about to have that doubled. Likely to be on them for at least another ‘six months’.
I’ve been to counsellor after counsellor, psychiatrist, and now as of today, I will be going to another counsellor (no. 5 to be exact). I had a few not-so-great experiences with counsellors which turned me off the idea of returning. I would find myself feeling almost worse afterwards so I told myself that I wouldn’t go back. Nevertheless, today, I forced myself into that office and made myself an appointment.
I’m so tired of medication. I’m so tired of feeling so low and stressed all the time. I’m so fucking tired of having this chemical imbalance in my head!!! I hate when some people hear about anxiety and depression all they think is that we’re lazy, or over dramatic or simply not trying. That’s not true. We actually try one hell of a lot more than alot gives us credit for.
Honestly, I don’t understand the point of life. I mean, we’re born, grow up, go through pain and misery (and apparently happiness and joyous times too) only to eventually die. And then when we die, everything we did or that happened to us gets lost into infinity. Or at least that’s how I view it. So the fact that I get up the morning, still go to college and work and deal with all this seemingly pointless crap is pretty damn remarkable I think.
To link back to my title, my impossible slash possible quest is my journey on my search for happiness. I want to believe that happiness is something that can be achieved for all, I really do. But, I don’t always feel that it is. I hope that someday I’ll be able to look back at this, smiling, because I did find it, whatever it is.
I guess I just don’t know how to be happy. And maybe that’s my problem. I just wish is that someday I learn how.