This past few days I didn’t feel quite as bad as normal. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say I felt somewhat content in life. I had decided I wouldn’t let anyone have the power to take away my happiness. I wanted to remain as chill and zen as possible. And as I decided that this week is the week that I challenge myself to stay positive.
Seven Days. It doesn’t seem that long. It shouldn’t be that hard. I just hope that by the end of these seven days I can say I didn’t feel let my depression week.
So today is Tuesday. I went back to college after the long weekend and I didn’t hate it for the first time in a while. I felt as though I had some control over my mental health today, and not as though it had control over me.
I went to see the amazing councillor in my college and felt good after. I find that going there helps as I feel less alone there. It makes me feel like all I need to do is survive to the next appointment. Now I only have a couple left, as there is a cut off point of 6 sessions which isn’t that great, but I’m ignoring that for now.
I had a presentation today, in front of everyone, and I was doing well considering that. I did end up buying a pack of smokes to keep my nerves at bay but I was still proud that I didn’t freak out. However, once the class that I was presenting in started, I could feel my anxiety setting in.
I was so nervous! I forced myself to make my way up to the top of the class. I was shaking as I put the USB in, I could feel my legs turning to jelly as my heart began to beat out of my chest. I think my head was just thinking to get it over and done with which caused my to race through the information on the PowerPoint. I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. I was told it didn’t go as bad as I had thought, but my head told me they were just saying that out of pity. Regardless it was over and that was all I cared about.
I got home around 3 after a lift with a friend of mine that I had seen in a while. Even he was surprised by how good a mood I was in! I explained how I refuse to give anyone the power to take that away from me and was just focusing on good vibes. Once I got home, I decided I would go to the gym as I never really have time. It was nice to be home early for once. I want to lose weight and get basically fitter, but my other thinking was that exercise will realise more endorphins which would help me in maintaining my mood.
After I finished in the gym I went home and had dinner. Shortly after dinner I thought I’d go for a walk with Emmers, seeing as I also rarely have time for that. It was beautiful as it was dusk. Emmers was in her element, running around the park alongside me. It was great.
That was my Tuesday.
I struggled sleeping last night. I woke up several times. I just didn’t feel well. I ended up getting sick, and with very little sleep on my back on top of that, I thought I would have to give college a miss today. I went back to bed and woke up around half nine and got up. I still felt delicate and just off.
I had some tea and some cereal, with caution, and decided to get some college work done, as I’m not good at doing nothing. I put together storyboards for filming tomorrow, and did some writing. Nothing overly exciting. Emmers decided she would sit on my laptop while I did that though, which was an interesting task for me.
I was going to have a shower, but decided that I would have a bath, seeing as I had the time. It was beautiful and warm, filled with Radox and bubble bath. I brought candles in with me and made some hot chocolate too, with Glass Animals on in the background. It was heavenly.
It was a pamper day for me from that point on. I then proceeded to paint my nails and chill with Emmers, watching Netflix. It was such a relaxing evening!
Today I had to travel to Kilkenny with a few others from college to film a part of our final year project. It’s an eight minute comedic short film, so we can have a good laugh while filming it.
I brought my laptop onto the train and managed to get work done for college on the way over (& I am currently sitting on the train now on my way home, writing this!).
I was a CameraWoman™ for the day. I haven’t really done too much on camera so far in regards to college, so this was definitely a learning curve for me. When we got there we met our wonderful actors who were both brilliant to work with. Everyone was very patient with me as I struggled with focusing and framing. I find it’s fine when it’s my one filming or photography, but when I’m filming for someone else there’s a lot more pressure. Regardless though it all went well.
We all had lunch out together in Kilkenny which was very cute in a fabulous lil pub, Billy Byrnes, around the corner from where we were filming. We returned there after we had finished for a drink while we waited for the next train. Which brings me up to now, sitting on the train. A chill enough day all round.
Today has been a lot harder. I have definitely been the lowest I have in a while. I just really felt like a burden to everyone. I also feel like I have logical reasoning behind feeling that way. The day didn’t start out, but just slowly felt like it went from bad to worse. I got very low and threaded near self destruct mode. While trying to help me, my friend told me to list five things that makes me happy. I felt 5 was too many for me to think of so I tried to think of at least three.
- Emmers for sure. She’s the only thing I truly feels as if she likes me, even when I feel like no one else does.
- Music. Music is my greatest escapism. It can stop me from over thinking at times, and lift my mood from time to time. One of my favourite activities is to blare music and just dance around and have a laugh, usually involves Emmers (surprise!).
…..I will have to leave it at the two. I didn’t think I would get that far in all honesty. They’re a good two anyway.
I tried hard to be in a good mood today. It wasn’t easy, I just couldn’t switch my mind off. In saying that, I don’t think I was as bad as yesterday. I faced such bad paranoia that everyone hated me and felt like I was a waste of space. It was probably a bad decision but I decided to just keep to myself.
After work, I came home and just hid away for the evening. I had a cosy night in, cuddled with Emmers and watched Netflix with Mum. The Crown is my latest obsession! It was an evening well needed.
So today was better. I was super busy! I got up early to go to my grandads, then went to get coffee with a friend. After that I went home for dinner, then made my way to work. I never stopped allllll day and I loved it! I really, really like a busy life style and I ended up in a really good mood by the time I came home from work around half 9.
My poor mother, I was in one of my very talkative moods when I got home, where I just don’t shut up! So she was going up and I was like “No, wait!”. So she chilled in the kitchen while I spoke at 50 miles an hour getting it all out of my system.
After that I decided to introduce her to the world of Riverdale, while Emmers fell asleep between us. I felt mad explaining all the characters to her, there’s so much messed up drama in that show!
That was my day six anyway. Not as bad as the couple of days before.
I was super busy again today. I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning, then had to go to some other yoke with my mother to help her. Later in the day we went shopping and then I brought her out to the cinema.
We went to see Tomb Raider, even though I heard by multiple sources that it wasn’t good at all. It looked like the sort of thing we liked anyway, so we went for it. I thought it was in no way as bad as I was made to believe. I won’t spoil it, but there was a couple of things I questioned, and at times I would have changed aspects of the plot, but it was entertaining. I did find the part with her father very emotional and hard to watch, but by the end I was engrossed and would definitely like to see the second one which they set up. Overall, it was an entertaining film, not necessarily good.
Anyway, at risk of this turning into a film review rather than anything else I think I’ll have to get back to the topic at hand. Today is day seven of my seven days of positivity. It was hard. Without a doubt, very difficult. Whenever I could feel myself sinking, I had to try stand strong and remind myself that it didn’t matter, that no one had the power to take away my happiness.
That wasn’t always that easy though. Depression is like a black hole that kills any light, and sometimes, more often than I would care to admit, the depression would get too much for me, while I would try to tell myself to ignore it, the depression would just start screaming until that was all I could feel. It’s a darkness that can take hold of your mind. I can’t hear myself when that takes over.
That aside, I was proud that I did managed to make it to the end, because, in all honesty, I did almost give up on day four. I’m so glad I kept it up though. I do want to try to continue as best as I can. I know it will be hard, but hopefully it will eventually become second nature to be and I won’t need to be as consciously thinking about it all the time.
Hopefully this is the beginning of something. But positive thinking will encourage me to believe that it is. Or even if it isn’t, that there will always be a silver lining.
I’m just after looking at the word count and I can’t believe I wrote just short of 2000 words. So on that note, thank you if you managed to get to the end of this!