I have been dreading this five-year mark now for a while. Something about it just feels more significant. Almost as though this gravity of five years makes it all that bit more real. And, in turn, makes you feel even further away. I’m scared of that. No. I am terrified. Terrified of the time passing so quickly until five years becomes ten becomes fifty. Time is moving too fast, and I miss you. I want it to stop. I want to go back and hold you again, smell you again, feel that comfort of your arms around me, holding me close. A comfort that only a father can offer a daughter. I miss it all.
A ‘Paper Shoot’ camera is a screenless, digital camera consisting of a circuit board, 2 AAA batteries, and an SD card, all encased in a ‘stone paper’ covering. Its purpose is to give you film style photos without the film itself. In fact, you can’t see any of the pictures you take until you upload them to a computer or laptop. I really enjoy the air of mystery of never knowing just how good or bad the image has come out. Even the viewfinder is a simple cut out in the paper, so every photo taken is kind of a gamble until you get used to it.
The fear was powerful. Trying to deal with everyday teenage life is hard enough without confusion over your sexuality thrown into the mix and then the fear that I would lose everyone around me. I was sick to my stomach in some of the earlier days over it. And to make matters worse, I didn’t even feel that I had anyone that I could speak with. The mental isolation had well and truly set in.
Perhaps its the feelings of personal insignificance, or a subconscious need to hit the self-destruct button, or perhaps its a mix of the two, and god knows what else. But it is a terrible decision and one I appear to make every time
I have not been writing as much lately, but not for lack of trying. My life has just been quite chaotic as of late. I feel as though I’m still in April, so the fact that it’s just about June really has me thrown. Even writing right now, my mind is going ninety trying to remember everything I need to do.
My flight ended up delayed for a few hours, which involved sitting on a packed plane for an extra couple of hours. Looking back, I probably should have embraced the added hours, as I think many of us would do anything for them nowadays. I was sitting beside a lovely couple, though, so we had the chats to pass the time. Another random aspect I love of airports is talking with strangers. There is a curious intimacy you can share amongst people when confined inside a narrow metal tube.
The darkness was back. Honestly, it is a blur. I couldn’t see or think clearly. My world had begun to crumble around me; all the protections are barricades I built up were now gone, replaced by a deep, deep emptiness that trapped me in its false sense of security.
Self-love is a pretty big talking point these days. Often wrapped tightly around that of ‘self-care’, while they are closely integrated with each other, they are both still quite individual concepts. While self-care involves the curiosity of exploring our emotions, both positive or negative, and exploring them in a way that gives us the space to be gentle while also retaining the power to grow through the learning opportunities. Meanwhile, in my opinion, self-love is more so about our relationship with ourselves. It’s knowing our wants and needs and learning how or when to fulfil them. Doing things for us and realising that it is okay to put ourselves first. It’s a knowledge of our own self-worth.
The intense and overwhelming feelings of being worthless, a burden to those around me, are crippling. Why should anyone be forced to deal with me? I just ruin everything. Everyone would be better off without me around. My mind was causing these self-inflictions, an endless cycle of torment, ensuring I felt well and truly like an utter waste of space. Little did I know that I was about to enter one of the darkest periods of my life.
This week has had such lovely weather. It really does feel like summer is coming, especially since the clocks went forward just last week. Although there has been a bitter chill in the air, the sun makes up for it entirely – so long as a multitude of layers are worn. I feel as though this week has been ever so slightly chaotic, but in the best way! So much has been happening that it’s hard to believe one week has gone by already. Granted, I am finishing this post up on Easter Monday. I decided to take a break for the bank holiday weekend. So, without further ado, here is a mini life update on this sunny week gone by.