I have been dreading this five-year mark now for a while. Something about it just feels more significant. Almost as though this gravity of five years makes it all that bit more real. And, in turn, makes you feel even further away. I’m scared of that. No. I am terrified. Terrified of the time passing so quickly until five years becomes ten becomes fifty. Time is moving too fast, and I miss you. I want it to stop. I want to go back and hold you again, smell you again, feel that comfort of your arms around me, holding me close. A comfort that only a father can offer a daughter. I miss it all.
A ‘Paper Shoot’ camera is a screenless, digital camera consisting of a circuit board, 2 AAA batteries, and an SD card, all encased in a ‘stone paper’ covering. Its purpose is to give you film style photos without the film itself. In fact, you can’t see any of the pictures you take until you upload them to a computer or laptop. I really enjoy the air of mystery of never knowing just how good or bad the image has come out. Even the viewfinder is a simple cut out in the paper, so every photo taken is kind of a gamble until you get used to it.
The fear was powerful. Trying to deal with everyday teenage life is hard enough without confusion over your sexuality thrown into the mix and then the fear that I would lose everyone around me. I was sick to my stomach in some of the earlier days over it. And to make matters worse, I didn’t even feel that I had anyone that I could speak with. The mental isolation had well and truly set in.
Perhaps its the feelings of personal insignificance, or a subconscious need to hit the self-destruct button, or perhaps its a mix of the two, and god knows what else. But it is a terrible decision and one I appear to make every time
My flight ended up delayed for a few hours, which involved sitting on a packed plane for an extra couple of hours. Looking back, I probably should have embraced the added hours, as I think many of us would do anything for them nowadays. I was sitting beside a lovely couple, though, so we had the chats to pass the time. Another random aspect I love of airports is talking with strangers. There is a curious intimacy you can share amongst people when confined inside a narrow metal tube.
The darkness was back. Honestly, it is a blur. I couldn’t see or think clearly. My world had begun to crumble around me; all the protections are barricades I built up were now gone, replaced by a deep, deep emptiness that trapped me in its false sense of security.
The intense and overwhelming feelings of being worthless, a burden to those around me, are crippling. Why should anyone be forced to deal with me? I just ruin everything. Everyone would be better off without me around. My mind was causing these self-inflictions, an endless cycle of torment, ensuring I felt well and truly like an utter waste of space. Little did I know that I was about to enter one of the darkest periods of my life.
I am bored of not travelling. Ireland is a beautiful country. But being confined to a five-kilometre radius is exhausting. The most exotic part of my weeks is the new queuing system Tesco has set up for their self-service checkouts. But, I am also bored of being bored. I have decided to stop focusing on what I can not do and instead on what I can. So without further ado, I introduce a new feature where I share my nostalgia for past travels and dreams for my future ones.
I do feel that my college experience was especially tumultuous, but maybe I am just being self-centered with that mindset. However, the past few days and weeks I have found myself reflecting on the past four years, and to that I felt that the best way to process each individual year would be to write about it.
I am currently in the process of making a documentary as part of college, and I chose to do mine on consent. Obviously this is a major issue worldwide, and has been going to forever, so I wanted to do something in order to help combat this problem.