I have been dreading this five-year mark now for a while. Something about it just feels more significant. Almost as though this gravity of five years makes it all that bit more real. And, in turn, makes you feel even further away. I’m scared of that. No. I am terrified. Terrified of the time passing so quickly until five years becomes ten becomes fifty. Time is moving too fast, and I miss you. I want it to stop. I want to go back and hold you again, smell you again, feel that comfort of your arms around me, holding me close. A comfort that only a father can offer a daughter. I miss it all.
A ‘Paper Shoot’ camera is a screenless, digital camera consisting of a circuit board, 2 AAA batteries, and an SD card, all encased in a ‘stone paper’ covering. Its purpose is to give you film style photos without the film itself. In fact, you can’t see any of the pictures you take until you upload them to a computer or laptop. I really enjoy the air of mystery of never knowing just how good or bad the image has come out. Even the viewfinder is a simple cut out in the paper, so every photo taken is kind of a gamble until you get used to it.
The intense and overwhelming feelings of being worthless, a burden to those around me, are crippling. Why should anyone be forced to deal with me? I just ruin everything. Everyone would be better off without me around. My mind was causing these self-inflictions, an endless cycle of torment, ensuring I felt well and truly like an utter waste of space. Little did I know that I was about to enter one of the darkest periods of my life.
This week has had such lovely weather. It really does feel like summer is coming, especially since the clocks went forward just last week. Although there has been a bitter chill in the air, the sun makes up for it entirely – so long as a multitude of layers are worn. I feel as though this week has been ever so slightly chaotic, but in the best way! So much has been happening that it’s hard to believe one week has gone by already. Granted, I am finishing this post up on Easter Monday. I decided to take a break for the bank holiday weekend. So, without further ado, here is a mini life update on this sunny week gone by.
Back in August we had plans to go to Galway, but with the LOKdown, that proved impossible. And so, began the long distance that so many of us are used to once again. In order to help us through this next lockdown we began to plan a trip we could runaway to as soon as it was lifted. Now, in all honesty it took a very long time for us to settle on a location or hotel. As we had gone to Bray just a couple months prior we were reluctant to go straight back to Wicklow. But, I’m glad we did.
I have been quite reminiscent lately, as we all have really. One year ago everything has been so different. For me, it has been one year since I last really seen my granddad. One year since I sat by his bedside and held his hand while he sang to me. Jim Reeves was his favourite most recently. Every weekend I would make my plans around seeing him. I would look forward to our time together, always saddened when time was cut short due to work.
I do feel that my college experience was especially tumultuous, but maybe I am just being self-centered with that mindset. However, the past few days and weeks I have found myself reflecting on the past four years, and to that I felt that the best way to process each individual year would be to write about it.
Last Sunday, I woke up late. I had 30 minutes to get up and make the train to Dublin for this years Women’s Mini Marathon. I rolled out of bed, had a couple sips of tea, threw on the leggings and t-shirt closest to me, and ran out the door.
Last night, at 4:15 am myself and a few others from work walked our town as the soon began to rise to help break the stigma and raise money for Pieta House.
One of the things that has been keeping me busy has been campaign work for our upcoming referendum in Ireland. Incase you havent heard about it, the referendum follows the 8th amendment in our constitution and whether or not we want to keep it, or, repeal and enable our government to develop a new one.