Perhaps its the feelings of personal insignificance, or a subconscious need to hit the self-destruct button, or perhaps its a mix of the two, and god knows what else. But it is a terrible decision and one I appear to make every time
The darkness was back. Honestly, it is a blur. I couldn’t see or think clearly. My world had begun to crumble around me; all the protections are barricades I built up were now gone, replaced by a deep, deep emptiness that trapped me in its false sense of security.
Self-love is a pretty big talking point these days. Often wrapped tightly around that of ‘self-care’, while they are closely integrated with each other, they are both still quite individual concepts. While self-care involves the curiosity of exploring our emotions, both positive or negative, and exploring them in a way that gives us the space to be gentle while also retaining the power to grow through the learning opportunities. Meanwhile, in my opinion, self-love is more so about our relationship with ourselves. It’s knowing our wants and needs and learning how or when to fulfil them. Doing things for us and realising that it is okay to put ourselves first. It’s a knowledge of our own self-worth.
The intense and overwhelming feelings of being worthless, a burden to those around me, are crippling. Why should anyone be forced to deal with me? I just ruin everything. Everyone would be better off without me around. My mind was causing these self-inflictions, an endless cycle of torment, ensuring I felt well and truly like an utter waste of space. Little did I know that I was about to enter one of the darkest periods of my life.
Looking after my mind with a gentle curiosity. That’s what self-care is to me. A fundamental part of life that I have always strived towards, yet only recently have managed to truly make time for. The concept of self-care, taking the time to look after ourselves in both body and mind, it’s a tougher challenge than it appears on paper. It has taken years for me to ever manage to get and stay on this path.
I do feel that my college experience was especially tumultuous, but maybe I am just being self-centered with that mindset. However, the past few days and weeks I have found myself reflecting on the past four years, and to that I felt that the best way to process each individual year would be to write about it.
Last night, at 4:15 am myself and a few others from work walked our town as the soon began to rise to help break the stigma and raise money for Pieta House.
This past few days I didn’t feel quite as bad as normal. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say I felt somewhat content in life. I had decided I wouldn’t let anyone have the power to take away my happiness. I wanted to remain as chill and zen as possible. And as I decided that this week is the week that I challenge myself to stay positive.
Seven Days. It doesn’t seem that long. It shouldn’t be that hard. I just hope that by the end of these seven days I can say I didn’t feel let my depression week.
Darkness Into Light is a fundraising event in support of Pieta House. Pieta House provides free counselling services to anyone suffering from suicidal ideation, or self harm or those who may have been bereaved by suicide.
I have had a very low week. I was very unkind to myself and spent a lot of time wrapped up in my own head. A few things really got to me, but ultimately, it really showed me who my real friends were. Not to sound cliché, but I really don’t know where I would’ve been without them. So, to thank them, here’s a lil shout out to these gems in my life.♥